I was a mom for two days...

Dear Blog World, I apologize to those who have already read this. These are the posts that I wrote on my local mommy/woman's message board which chronicle the crazy week I've just lived through. It has been hell.

November 16, Tuesday
At least this will be all over quickly...
We have agreed to be shown to a woman who is due 11/25. This is through a facilitator who we aren't signed up with, but who we gave some of our profiles to.  She is showing four other couples to this woman, so it's not like we are really holding our breath, but you never know. The situation is even more complicated, because the woman really wants to parent, but believes that CPS will step in as soon as she gives birth & will terminate her parental rights right away (I don't have any other details). In these types of situations, the birthparent can sometimes work with an adoption professional to have some choice in the matter of who to choose instead of CPS getting involved. There is a chance that CPS won't be involved, and in that case she would parent.

So, there are many, many things that make this a very slim chance for us, and I'm feeling extreme calm. Perhaps denial. In any case, I guess I'll need to talk to my boss finally about our plans to adopt!
Welcome to my roller coaster!

 November 21, Sunday
Ladies, we were chosen. And....the baby girl was born last night, we got the call this morning. The two things that we were waiting to hear about happened - she had to choose a family (due to past CPS issues, otherwise CPS would step in and take the baby, they were already at the hospital waiting for her), and she CHOSE US! I have very little info, but we're going up tonight! I'll know more later. I can't write anymore because we haven't actually prepared for a baby and we are now running around like crazy persons. People, I think I'm about to be a mommy!

November 23, Tuesday
Just to let you know that we are having a lot of complications here and we don't know if we are coming home with the baby. There have been a lot of lies, and they are important lies, life altering lies as well as information previously witheld from us. Besides the lies, sorry to be vague, we also have just been alerted to some birthfather drama. We are trying to hold it together, but it is hard. I thank you very much for all your emails, fb mssgs, and words of support here, but we honestly don't know what is going to happen. Love you all, thank you! 

November 23, Tuesday
Dear Friends,
It is with an intensely heavy heart that I have to let you know that we did not bring the baby home with us, and have stepped away from the situation. I will try to tell the story here...
When we got the call that the baby had been born, and we had been chosen, and that CPS was in place to take the baby but were allowing us to step in, all seemed right in the world. We were told that the birthmom was clean and sober, the baby was healthy, the birthfather was a deadbeat and hadn't given any support during the pregnancy, which meant he was out of the picture.

When we arrived, the facilitator met us and then offhandedly told us the baby had tested positive for cocaine and opiates, but that the birthmom swore up and down that she hadn't used, that there was no way it could be true. The facilitator told us she probably had been around someone smoking crack, and that was the reason the baby had tested positive. There was no way she would have used, as she was in school to be a drug and alcohol counselor. We were idiots and gullible and accepted that explanation, plus we were being rushed through the hospital, getting banded, etc. Then the facilitator told us that the birthdad had been visiting the mom and baby in the hospital with his father, and he didn't know up to that point that CPS was going to be involved. So, he was all ready to meet his daughter, and then he got the news that the mom had chosen adoption, or was facing the baby going into foster care. The facilitator told us he was a really nice guy, and wanted to be updated with photos and letters, and that his dad told him he supported adoption because he wasn't in a place to really take care of a baby, and his dad wasn't in a place to help him either. So, that made us feel like the birthdad was on board, sad, but on board.

Immediately we got to meet the little baby, and the hospital was so nice to us, they let us have a room to ourselves for the night, and we got to take care of the baby right away.

She was so sweet. She never fussed, she just slept and every once in a while she opened her eyes, but pretty much she was just peaceful. I spent a lot of time with her in my arms, and so did dh. We started thinking of names, and at one point during the night I woke up with the name "Olivia", and we looked at her and it just fit. She sort of looked like a little olive, too... :) I will forever remember the feeling of her hair in my hand. They were so soft, and so, so curly, tight little curls. The curls felt so nice, I could rub and massage her head forever, and even now I wish I could find something that felt like that so I could get that feeling back.
The next morning we were told that the hospital workers had made a mistake in giving us a room, it was against hospital policy, blah blah blah, but we were so happy to have had that time.

As far as the birthmom, she had already checked herself out of the hospital by the time we got there. We are told it was a horrifically dramatic scene, with her not letting go of the baby and having to have security called on her to pry the baby away. She was really hoping she could fly under the radar, and get away without CPS being notified, but it wasn't to be. We learned later that this was baby #9 for her, and all had been removed. We learned even later that she had been addicted to cocaine since she was 14(she's 30 now) and she had admitted to one of the social workers that she had been sober for two years, but had a relapse recently (obviously), but still didn't admit to using cocaine at the end of her pregnancy. None of this was known to us previously.

In the morning, the pediatrician came in and we were expecting for him to release the baby from the hospital, but he told us that the birthmom had tested positive for strep b, so the baby needed to stay another night in the hospital for observation. He didn't explain well what the consequences of strep b was on babies if they happen to get it,  and he was in and out so quick that we never even had a chance to think of any questions.
After he left, we had a call from a social worker from our agency (not the facilitators office), and she wanted to know if we were ok parenting a baby with cocaine exposure, since it was something that we had previously said absolutely not to. We told her what the facilitator told us, that it was a "passive exposure" and we were told absolutely not. In order to test positive, she had to have ingested it, and since cocaine only stays in your system for up to 72 hours, she had to have taken it right before having the baby.

We talked long and hard about raising a child with cocaine exposure and after some research, ultimately decided we would take the leap. But, before we had come to that decision we called the facilitator to ask her what explanation she had, and instead of reassuring us, or being compassionate, she simply said that she believed the birthmom and if we weren't going forward, that she had families ready to go to take our place. So right then, I started having my doubts about the facilitator. I got off the phone and said to myself, "what a b!tch."

Then my mom talked to my dh and heard about the strep b, and she started texting me non-stop about the effects of it on a baby, if they get it. It was unbearable, especially since we were really more concerned about the cocaine. Of course this got us all riled up, until we finally did some research (and called on a pediatrician), and ultimately, the baby was fine, and would probably continue to be fine, so we were at peace with that aspect.

Then we got a call from our agency social worker, who told us that the birthdad's family had been calling every professional involved (hospital Social worker, CPS social worker, our social worker) and saying that they were willing to take the baby. Now at this point, it gets really tricky. Honestly, the birthfather truly has no rights unless he fights for them, and fighting isn't easy or inexpensive. But, in our mind, just because the law isn't on the father's side, that didn't mean that we thought that was morally right. We were told that he hadn't given any support during the pregnancy, but we found out that was probably not true. We had our social worker talk to him again, and he had decided not to sign the paperwork for the adoption. At this point the scenarios were:
a) take baby Olivia home, hope that no one in birthdad's family would ultimately fight for the baby, and after 30 days she would be legally ours.
b) take baby Olivia home, contact an attorney, and start legally battling birthdad and family, and hope for success.
c) take baby Olivia home, use all our resources (which are low at this point) to fight birthdad's family and ultimately have to either give her back to his family, or to CPS (because when a birthdad contests an adoption, the baby will often go back to the mom, but since mom was unfit, baby goes to CPS).
d) decide that the risk of having to say goodbye after having the baby for a month or longer was too great, that it would kill us emotionally, so we walk away now.

Our social worker advised us that scenario d was what she would do, especially after talking to the birthdad.  This was his first child, and he was ready to fight, and truly hadn't been given a chance to even try to get his resources or family together to parent. And he wanted to be a parent. Our social worker asked us if we were prepared to give the baby back after a month or so, could we live with that? That that is what we needed to ask ourselves and brace ourselves for.

We didn't want to be living with the knowledge that we were keeping a baby from her family, a family that wanted her.

So, we chose d. And no, it is not easy, and I feel like vomiting most of the time, and I cry uncontrollably, and I miss baby Olivia so much, and I don't know what sort of life I've just sentenced her to. And I'm heartbroken... but I'm not destroyed. We feel peace about our decision. We know ourselves, and know what we were capable of, and fighting this fight just wasn't the right thing for us. I know that must be hard for everyone to hear, especially because we wanted it so much, but in the end my dh & I really came together and agreed... and we're dealing.

Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your thoughts, e-mails, and messages. I had many, many offers of baby clothes and gear, and I know that some of you had my address, so I don't know if anything was sent my way, but if it was, don't worry, I appreciate it and will return it to you if needed, or put it away for the next baby. Because there will be a next baby. I'm sure of it.

Just to make you cry a little bit harder, here is a picture of me and Olivia. This is after our night with her, so I'm looking a little tired: